Fear of Fear - What we are really afraid of
by Samantha De Bono
I read this extremely interesting article about Fear by Dr. Karl Albrecht, author of "Practical Intelligence: the Art and Science of Common Sense". It explains fear so nicely that I wanted to share it with you.
It's true that worrying about what 'might' happen causes us extreme anxiety. Often clients will say to me "but what if this happens?" or "I'm scared that I will do all this and then this and this and this will happen". It even causes some clients to fear moving forward at all, just in case their fear of what might happen befalls them.
It would appear that "there are 5 basic fears" which all our other fears attach themselves to and Dr Albrecht states that "Fear, like all other emotions, is basically information. It offers us knowledge and understanding of our psychobiological status."
Even though fear makes us feel vulnerable, it is important to understand that it is a perfectly acceptable emotion, it's informative. In my experience, male clients find it difficult to say they are afraid of something, if I ask them, they are quick to tell me that they're "not scared..." . It's as though they are in fear of fear.
It's okay to feel fear, I have listed below the fears as Dr Albrecht has written them, have a read and see if you can identify with any of them.
"Extinction – fear of annihilation, of ceasing to exist. This is a more fundamental way to express it than just calling it the "fear of death". The idea of no longer being, arouses a primary existential anxiety in all normal humans. Consider that panicky feeling you get when you look over the edge of a high building.
Mutilation – fear of losing any part of our precious bodily structure; the thought of having our body's boundaries invaded, or of losing the integrity of any organ, body part, or natural function. For example, anxiety about animals, such as bugs, spiders, snakes, and other creepy things arises from fear of mutilation.
Loss of Autonomy – fear of being immobilized, paralyzed, restricted, enveloped, overwhelmed, entrapped, imprisoned, smothered, or controlled by circumstances. In a physical form, it's sometimes known as claustrophobia, but it also extends to social interactions and relationships.
Separation – fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness – of becoming a non-person – not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else. The "silent treatment," when imposed by a group, can have a devastating psychological effect on the targeted person.
Ego-death - fear of humiliation, shame, or any other mechanism of profound self-disapproval that threatens the loss of integrity of the Self; fear of the shattering or disintegration of one's constructed sense of lovability, capability, and worthiness.
Think about the various common labels we put on our fears. Start with the easy ones: fear of heights or falling is basically fear of extinction (possibly accompanied by significant mutilation, but that's sort of secondary). Fear of failure? Read it as fear of ego-death. Fear of rejection? It's fear of separation, and probably also fear of ego-death. The terror many people have at the idea of having to speak in public is basically fear of ego-death. Fear of intimacy, or "fear of commitment" is basically fear of losing one's autonomy.
Some other emotions we know by various popular names are also expressions of these primary fears. If you track them down to their most basic levels, the basic fears show through. Jealousy, for example, is an expression of the fear of separation, or devaluation: "She'll value him more than she values me." At the extreme, it can express the fear of ego-death: "I'll be a worthless person." Envy works the same way.
Shame and guilt express the fear – or the actual condition – of separation and even ego-death. The same is true for embarrassment and humiliation.
Fear is often the base emotion on which anger floats. Oppressed peoples rage against their oppressors because they fear – or actually experience – loss of autonomy and even ego-death. The destruction of a culture or a religion by an invading occupier may be experienced as a kind of collective ego-death. Those who make us fearful will also make us angry.
Religious bigotry and intolerance may express the fear of ego-death on a cosmic level, and can even extend to existential anxiety. "If my god isn't the right god, or the best god, then I'll be stuck without a god. Without god on my side, I'll be at the mercy of the impersonal forces of the environment. My ticket could be canceled at any moment, without a reason."
Some of our fears, of course, have basic survival value. Others, however, are learned reflexes that can be weakened or re-learned.
That strange idea of "fearing our fears" can become less strange when we realize that many of our avoidance reactions – turning down an invitation to a party if we tend to be uncomfortable in groups; putting off the doctor's appointment; or not asking for the raise – are instant reflexes that are reactions to the memories of fear. They happen so quickly that we don't actually experience the full effect of the fear. We experience a "micro-fear" – a reaction that's a kind of shorthand code for the real fear. This reflex reaction has the same effect of causing us to evade and avoid as the real fear. This is why it's fairly accurate to say that many of our so-called fear reactions are actually the fears of fears.
When we let go of our notion of fear as the welling up of evil forces within us – the Freudian motif – and begin to see fear and its companion emotions as basically information, we can think about them consciously. And the more clearly and calmly we can articulate the origins of the fear, the less our fears frighten us and control us."
