Working Through Differences
by Samantha De Bono
Couple counsellors know that a good relationship does not depend on harmony. When couples tell me they never argue, I don't think "wow! that's fantastic" I think "Hmm! communication problems".
Meeting problems together, properly, deepens the connection between a couple and couples who learn how to deal with differences between them are far more likely to get through even the most serious relationship crisis.
In couples counselling I watch couples airing their differences and more often than not, I see that they try to win the argument. There's a clear point scoring thing happening. When this happens, the original problem gets lost and the argument goes off on a pedantic tangent, so resolution is way off.
Working through differences or problems together can transform a relationship, but that's only when we eliminate the need to have a winner and a loser. Understanding and accepting that two adults are likely to differ in their opinions in many areas of life is crucial . That does not mean that someone has to be right and someone has to be wrong. It simply means that two individuals have a difference of opinion which they have every right to have, your partner, or anyone for that matter, does not have to agree with you just because you want them to and because you believe you're right. They are entitled to their own thoughts and feelings too!
Problems can be good, but only if you both know how to deal with them. It will involve putting yourself out to concentrate and commit to repairing the rifts and learning new ways of communicating. If making your relationship a happy, loving one is a precious thing to you, you will be able to bring what you need to the process; your kindness, your generosity, your sense of humour and your respect for each other.
In marriage counselling or relationship counselling you will need patience and courage, sometimes over a long period, it may even be the most difficult thing you've ever done, but if you engage with the process and work at it, it could most definitely be the most positive and rewarding thing you've ever done too.
One thing I can guarantee is that marriage counselling/couples counselling/relationship counselling, what ever you want to call it, will never be wasted. What you learn through relationship therapy will give you clarity and confidence and that can only be a good thing for you and your relationship.
